I have a paper to write this weekend (for which I still don't have enough surveys filled out so I'll be bullshitting quite a bit). I have all of these ideas running through my head. I keep thinking of new things for the wedding that I hadn't considered wanting. I spent so long accepting that he wasn't going to propose and focusing on not getting attached to wedding ideas, that my desires have been very simplistic. Then my cousin started listing off decoration ideas and brainstorming ideas of having whatever I want, and it kind of makes me want more.
Apparently one of my cousins decided that my engagement needs to be all about how she should be getting married first and every one in my family who is unmarried and older than me should be pissed. Luckily, she's not a cousin I ever considered close (she's a bitchy second-cousin who I generally try to avoid). Unluckily, she'll probably be at the wedding since she's also dating (and living with) my first cousin who I do like (they are also second cousins and I find the whole thing a little weird to begin with). It's not an easy relationship to explain to people who aren't family and already aware of it.
A cousin I do like (the sister of my first cousin dating our second cousin) will be one of my bridesmaids. She has decided that I get to have a real bachelorette party (I was happy with an hour long full body massage, because I know that I am going to need it). My sister is the maid of honor. Originally it was just my sister, but my fiance's dad wants to stand up in the wedding, so I needed a second person to match.
I am trying to get my stress under control, but the next years is going to be havoc. I currently make $700 every paycheck and get to keep $400 after the garnishment is done ripping it to shreds. I meet with my lawyer on Monday and hopefully the garnishment will be gone by my next paycheck. I'm really hoping.
I think I may need to go back to the doctor to get something to survive the next year. I'm trying to not take meds, I'm trying to do this on my own... but the stress is exhausting me. I haven't made it to the gym in the last week because I've been too tired to drag myself out of bed early enough. I am completely fried.
Mostly, this is me venting because I don't really have another outlet. I don't have much time to sit down and right. Every once in a while a couple words will come to me that sound good together and result in my most recent pieces... but those aren't coming very often. I need and outlet and homework just isn't cutting it. I want to work on my wedding things (all of my handmade pieces of genius) but I just don't have the time and energy with the semester quickly coming to the end.
Tonight, I just want him to hold me. But I will be asleep by the time he comes home from work. And when he comes to bed, he'll fall asleep watching youtube on his phone with his back facing me.